Some time ago I suffered, literally as it turned out, a mad, drug fueled moment with my best friend Kate at a party. The incident introduced another dimension to our friendship and led to us inventing a game in which I promised to let her do whatever she wanted with me. At first it was silly and just a laugh but as we grew to understand each other it turned wickedly sexy.
We weren't careful enough and Jake, my husband, objected, especially since he'd been at the party and made my life hell, for weeks. I asked Kate to include him in our game in an effort to convince him it was only a bit of fun and he might enjoy it too but he didn't, no one did. Kate said he made it feel like a heavy responsibility.
By then I was addicted and we started what became something like an affair, sneaking about and thinking we were getting away with it. Rather than fly into a rage and make his point in a dramatic confrontation Jake watched from a distance, developing a deep dislike of Kate who he saw as his opposition. Someone at work gave him a BDSM DVD and Jake thought it was comparable to playing our game, he thought that's what we were doing and resolved to take Kate on, to give me a better ride than she had!
He knew enough to be able to dupe me into letting him try it but it was a nightmare, he had no real idea what he was doing and I ended up in hospital, traumatised and determined to divorce the bastard.
I left him, Kate made sure he stayed away and it was the most miserable time of my life. Guilt gnawed at me and eventually we had the 'we need to talk' meeting and the chance to explain honestly and fearlessly. He was so terrified I might not come back and so mortally ashamed he'd hurt me so badly I felt awful for having made him do it.
Although he says he understands how important my fantasy is to me I know he'll never experience anything like it. No matter how eloquent or precise I am I can't get him to think past the physical and feel sex on a cerebral level. He's a dreadful actor. Dark, sinister and threatening he could never be. If it's my lucky day Lovely Jake might let me wear handcuffs or chain me up naked in the garden. I never ask him to but when he does, because he thinks I'd like that, I spice it up by remembering how frightened I was when he made a mistake and almost killed me and try to ignore how baffled he is.
For a while I tried to manoeuvre him into admitting he carried a head full of a different fantasy, thinking everyone must must have something deep within but no, he loves me, he says that implying “Isn't that enough?” How can I complain about that?
I feel at home here on DA in the midst of the planet's quirky and unorthodox. I'm happy other people feel it too and there isn't something horribly wrong with me. I find it fascinating how much richer fantasy can make real life, so long as you don't try to make it real! Fortunately I'm not that brave.